Don't Carry Me Like a Sack of Potatoes
by AuthenticAussie
Summary: In an alarming display of clumsiness, Zoro almost manages to have his leg bitten off by dinner.


In an alarming display of clumsiness, Zoro almost manages to have his leg bitten off by dinner.

Granted, it's not _really _his fault, but the point still remains that one minute Zoro was doing one handed handstands, and the next there was a large fish attached to his left leg, attempting to have that part of him for lunch.

His loud and angry scream echoed across the deck, as did the thud as he hit the ground and smashed the large rainbow scaled fish into the banister, and it prompted his nakama to come running.

"Zoro, your leg grew teeth!" Chopper yelped, as soon as he'd skidded to a stop next to where Zoro was currently clutching his knee and trying to bite back the pain that came with having large canines protruding from his leg.

"_Woah!_" Luffy cried, and Zoro had to resist the urge to sink his nails into his flesh, because _shit! This was really fucking painful! _"Zoro that's so cool! I want leg teeth too!"

"Luffy people can't just grow teeth!" Nami thwacked him in the side of the face, making their rubber captain's head snap to the side, and she practically picked up Chopper, shoving him in Zoro's direction. "Chopper, _do something!_"

Their young doctor seemed to panic for a moment more before he took a deep breath and settled, his sense overcoming his worry. "I need my med kit – I don't want to move him until I've got the teeth out."

Nami took off for Chopper's medical room, and mercifully, Zoro let himself blur out the rest of his senses, inviting the comforting arms of unconsciousness into his head.

When he woke up again, he couldn't move his leg.

For a brief moment he almost thought of panicking – how was he supposed to balance with _one leg? _– but as the rest of his senses returned to him, he registered the tight swathe of bandages fashioned around the limb, and shook the last vestiges of sleep from his mind, taking in the sight.

Chopper noticed that he was awake before he had enough time to really look at the wound and try and figure out how best to get it off. The doctor offered him a pleased smile. "I'm glad you're up Zoro! How's the pain? I got all the teeth out and stitched up the cuts, but you should probably be careful for a little while."

_Little while_, Zoro thought, giving a quiet scoff, _so a few hours then. Should be good by tomorrow._

Almost as though he could hear Zoro's thoughts, their previously little doctor tripled in height switching his forms as his gaze narrowed into a grumpy glare. "That _means, _Zoro, you won't take the bandages off, or walk around until I _tell you._"

He opened his mouth to protest, indignant at Chopper's treatment, but the reindeer practically steamrolled over the swordsman when he realised what Zoro wanted to do. "And I mean it this time, Zoro! The only way you're moving from this bed is if someone carries you! You got that?"

Zoro's mouth snapped shut, and he felt the low burn of irritation in his gut; but he couldn't argue with Chopper, not when the doctor looked to be about to snap him in half. He'd probably end up ignoring him _later _but…right now, in Chopper's domain, he'd rather not.

Seeing that Zoro had given up his protests, Chopper shrunk back to his usual form, once again smiling happily at the swordsman. "Good!" he chirped happily, before hopping off the chair he'd dragged to Zoro's bedside, "I'm going to make sure Sanji knows you'll be having your meals in here for the next few days."

Though he wanted to groan, Zoro instead heaved a huff breath and grunted as his answer, flopping back onto the pillows.

Chopper left, and Zoro was left with a brief moment of peace in which he tried to figure out how best to get his weights down to the infirmary. His leg may have been out of action, but surely he could train his arms, right?

And then Luffy came in.

As his captain decided to sneak into the room rather than bound like he usually did, Zoro prepared himself for the worst, mentally trying to think of any situation Luffy could possibly put him in while he was currently (technically) an invalid.

"So?" Luffy asked as soon as he was seated in Chopper's chair and swinging his feet like the child the crew knew he was. "Are you coming to eat dinner?"

"Chopper said that I wasn't going any-"

"Not unless someone carried you, right?"

"I'm _not _getting-" he started to protest but Luffy had hopped out of his chair, slid his arms underneath Zoro's body and hefted the swordsman into the air with very little fuss. "Oh my God!" he yelped, sounding a _lot _more shocked than he wanted to be, and his flailing limbs quickly latched around Luffy's skinny neck.

While Zoro _knew _that his captain's physical strength was on par with his, it did very little to assuage his worries that he'd be dropped, his leg rammed into a door frame, or something equally as unfortunate. Luffy's wide grin also didn't reassure him very much, considering he'd been on the other side of said grin and been yanked back to the ship at speeds most other men would get severely injured from. "There! Now you can come and eat dinner with the rest of us!"

"Captain," he growled, wishing at that moment that Luffy wasn't made of rubber so that he could squish his neck, "I'm going to slice you in half when I can walk again."

Luffy laughed at his threat, completely uncaring of the dangerous tone to Zoro's voice, and he proceeded to head for the door. Zoro merely screwed his eyes shut, already dreading what was going to happen next. Luffy was probably going to hit his foot into the door, and while he didn't _mind _pain, he didn't particularly enjoy it, either.

Surprisingly, however, Zoro found himself unhurt and outside the infirmary while Luffy hummed happily, the sound buzzing through his chest. Luffy's bouncing gait wasn't exactly the most comfortable to be carried with, but then again Zoro wasn't pleased he was even being carried around in the first place. He kept his hands tightly latched around Luffy's neck and avoided looking down. Even though there was barely any height between the ground and where he was currently, the thought of being dropped with no ability to stop himself was not a pleasant one.

"Oi, _captain_! Hurry up and come for dinn-" Sanji called, sticking his body of the kitchen and doing a double take when he saw Zoro being carried bridal style up the stairs to the kitchen. Zoro had to force himself not to flush and very determinedly stared at the wall _away _from Sanji.

"Not a fucking word," he hissed to Sanji, giving the blond his best glare as Luffy passed through the doorway, and hoping that Luffy wasn't going to throw him anywhere once he caught sight of food.

While he did speed up, Luffy _didn't _drop him…immediately. Upon realising that his hands were full, however, and the food was currently being filched from him by the arms of his crewmates, Zoro was shoved unceremoniously at Sanji.

In his surprise, Zoro's arms were easily slid from Luffy's neck, and Sanji's arms automatically carried him bridal style, his leg almost knocking into the wall. Digging his hands into Sanji's shoulders, he closed his eyes and forced his lip not to curl in disgust. _For fuck's sake, _he growled mentally, "I'll bite you if you fucking drop me," Zoro threatened, irritably doing everything _but _glare at Sanji, and feeling his face heat in embarrassment.

"You fucking bite me I'll kick your shitty ass overboard," Sanji growled right back, but Zoro noticed that he too was trying to look everywhere but at the swordsman currently cradled in his arms.

Luffy, now fully occupied by the food, only grinned and laughed. Zoro half wished he could choke on it. Heaving a sigh, however, was slightly less therapeutic than it should have been, as Zoro felt Sanji sigh at the exact same time. The both of them glared at the other for it, and Luffy laughed even louder, obviously amused.

"This is fucking ridiculous," he grumbled to himself, as Chopper gave him a disapproving glare from across the table, and he felt Sanji huff.

"Oh what, you rather I drop you?"

"Do it and I really _will _bite you," Zoro shot back, and Sanji shifted awkwardly, obviously unsure of what to do now that his rival was in theory at his mercy, but also rather technicallybeing carried like a damsel.

Zoro wasn't exactly appreciating their current position, either.

"You could always stick him on the bar, Sanji," Franky pointed out, indicating with his fork and forcibly nudging Luffy's stretchy arm away from his food. Sanji's face twisted in a comical look of disgust.

"_Never,_" Sanji said in a horrified tone, "I refuse to have marimo germs on my bench!"

Zoro almost considered being offended, but instead smirked as a thought came to him. "Yeah, well currently you have 'marimo' germs all over your suit."

Sanji's expression grew even more hilariously horrified, if Luffy's choked laughter was anything to go by, and Zoro felt his smirk grow until almost a full grin. Sanji's arms tried to lever the swordsman away from his body, his mouth curled. "You're a goddamn bastard," he hissed, blue eyes narrowed, and Zoro grinned innocently at him, knowing full well that Sanji didn't believe a single centimetre of the look on his face.

"_You're _the one who's not letting me sit down."

"It _is _rather interesting," Robin remarked, her eyebrows arching delicately and a coy smile on her lips, "How you don't wish to place Zoro down." Zoro silently praised her in his mind, sealing his lips shut to make sure no laughter escaped. Was she _really _helping him humiliate Sanji?

As Sanji began to splutter and turn bright red at Robin's all-together too curious look, Zoro silently laughed. _She **was.**_

"It _is _creepy, shit cook." he said, forcing his expression into one that was more suspicious than highly amused, "What, you don't wanna let me go?"

Sanji's spluttering only increased, and he practically flung Zoro at the bar, this time uncaring about any 'germs' that may have contaminated the space. Zoro could barely hold back his laughter. Upon seeing Robin wink at him as Sanji tried to desperate assure the two ladies on their crew that _they _were the most important thing in his life, he had to quickly push his hand against his mouth to stifle his sniggers.

_Thank you, Robin, _he thought, and she shrugged elegantly, the barest dip of her shoulders as though to acknowledge she'd read his mind. He wouldn't doubt it, honestly.

Now if he could just figure out how to get onto his hands…

Then he could probably go around by walking in a handstand.

That is, if Luffy didn't decide that Zoro was to be carried everywhere. Oh God, please let that not be the case…

"Ah, Captain, how ever is our poor swordsman going to get around now that you've carried him to the kitchen? I'm sure he has things to do, and I fear for our cook's productivity should Zoro stay in the kitchen with him…"

Luffy's plate, now completely clean, was almost cracked in half as Luffy bought his fist down on the table. "You're right! Okay, captain's orders! Zoro needs to be carried everywhere until he's better. And _everyone _has to help."

He really shouldn't have thought anything at all, should he.


End file.
